Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Perfection Anxiety

Pinterest is the number one reason for my anxiety.  Well, okay.... maybe it is the 2nd (or 100th) reason for my anxiety.  Case in point: 

My husband and I live in an extremely tiny bedroom.  And yes, I said "live."  We've always spent most of our time in our bedroom... the television is there... the computer is there... the comfy bed to sit on is there... So yes, "live" is appropriate in this instance.  I'd love to remake our space into something organized yet homey.  I therefore pull up Pinterest to see what other people are doing to enhance their small space.  I scroll, I click, I pin and then I do it all again.  After a few minutes of viewing picture after picture of perfection my anxiety level begins to rise.  I push through the anxiety to keep viewing all of these wonderful spaces that I would dearly love to adopt until I start to not only feel anxious but antsy as well.  I can't sit still.  I'm irritated.  Mad even.  There is no way I will ever be able to achieve any of these great ideas with what I have available to me.... so I shut down Pinterest and wallow in my misery. 

I've come to the conclusion that Pinterest is to the home dweller what Barbie is to a normal young woman... Something never to be achieved or believed.  When I think about that, I relax a bit.  I start to feel better about myself and decide that maybe I should just focus on one small area of my room.  I venture on to Pinterest once again and narrow my search to something I believe to be achievable.  The process starts over until I am once again miserable.  And so the cycle continues.  I have 123 boards, 4,678 pins, 836 followers and I am following 1,109 pinners.  Maybe if I just narrow my search down just a wee bit more.  Surely I'll achieve perfection inch by inch!  Now if you'll excuse me, it's just about time for my next anxiety attack. 

Thanks for reading! ~ Dawnee

Friday, June 21, 2013

Six reasons why the NHL is FAR superior to the NBA




As I was driving home from work, listening to the first quarter of game 7 of the NBA Finals, I was thinking about whether or not I'd watch the game  when I got home. San Antonio was up 11-4 over Miami, and I thought to myself, "So what? It means absolutely nothing at this point in the game. I decided right then that I wouldn't bother watching the game until the 4th quarter. And by 4th quarter, I meant LATE in the 4th. Like 5 minutes left or less, unless it looked like a blowout, then I wouldn't watch it at all. Last night, I watched Game 4 of the NHL's Stanley Cup Final. Didn't get home in time to see the very beginning, but after that, I didn't miss a minute; not even to pee. Back to making my way home tonight, I changed the radio station to another all-sports channel. They were talking about... yep, basketball. ESPN will talk about it for hours on end, and then have a two or three minute segment on that night's NHL game. And then it's right back into basketball. Which leads me to this:

6 reasons why the NHL is far superior to the NBA


6. The player's names:
I LOVE hockey names. I'll take Nicklas Hjalmerson, brothers Olli and Jussi Jokinen (Try saying that once... Oh-lee and Juicy YO-kin-en... Nice!), Kevin Shattenkirk, and Dustin Byfuglien (pronounced Buff-Lin). You get LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, and Derrick Rose. I'll even throw in Joakim Noah, cuz he has a cool name... but still I WIN!!! Hockey names rule!

"It's spelled just like it sounds B-Y-F-U-G-L-I-E-N. Bufflin."


5. Hockey is much harder to understand: Yes, some people might consider this as a bad thing. It's not. Just about anyone understands basketball. You run, you jump, you put the ball in the net. Hitting the other team's players is bad. (We'll get into this one more in a minute) In Basketball, one guy can run down to the other end of the court, and his teammate can throw it to him all the way down. No problem. Hockey makes everyone wait until the puck is past the blue line, then they can go in and try to score. It can be especially frustrating if your guy goes in too early, or the other team flips the puck outside the blue line, then you have to line up and try to get it in again. There are infractions for hand-passes, playing the puck with a high stick, offsides, icing, and a myriad of penalties (including roughing, boarding, interference, and cross-checking) after which, the offender has to go sit in the box and "feel shame" for two minutes. Understand all this, and you can understand just about any sport, and can claim intellectual superiority to those mere mortals who say "I just don't get Hockey."

NBA Fan

NHL Fan
See the difference?


4. Whining: Brush against an NBA player and he falls down faster than a 9 month old baby. He cries more too; especially if the ref doesn't blow the whistle and call a foul. Then the coach will put on that pouty face that only NBA coaches can make. I swear, when they interview someone for an NBA coaching job, they ask them to make that face.
Like this:


Or this:

Of course the players do it too. I think it started with this guy...

MEH!

...Danny Ainge, who was so good at whining as a player, they decided to put him in the front office to see if he could whine enough to make other general managers give him their good players for his has-beens and never-were's. The exception to this was Phil Jackson. I rarely saw that man pout. He had the scowl down to a science though. Sort of reminds me of my father.

Your Mother and I are really disappointed in you, Son
But this... this is what a hockey coach looks like:

And he's in a good mood

3.Hitting (non-fighting variety): The NHL keeps track of hits. In a good way. As in, "What a game by Cal Clutterbuck! He had 10 hits!" This is what an NHL hit looks like:

And this is the aforementioned brushing against a player in the NBA:

Damn! You almost touched me D-Wade!

And, more important is what comes after. After Dwayne, or d-wayne, or however the hell he spells his name brushed against CP3, the ref probably blew the whistle, walked over to the scorer's table, bounced the ball a few times, and everyone stood around while one of the players stood on the line and took free throw shots. In all, it takes about a minute to watch those multi-millionaires do something that is being done by a kid in every city and suburb in America. Standing still and shooting a ball into a hoop. Woo boy. There's excitement. And after Clutterbuck knocked one of the Blackhawks against the boards in the NHL game? They both got up, skated after the puck, and kept playing. The scorer's table placed a mark in the book under Hits, and the game went on. No foul, no whistle, no penalty, and thankfully, no free throws.

2.Toughness: A lot is made of the NHL fighting. Tell someone you love Hockey, and the odds are good you'll hear, "Oh, you must love the fights." Actually, no. I don't. They are part of the game, and sometimes it makes me laugh. But love... no. Not even close. If I was into just the fights, I'd watch boxing, MMA or WWE... no. Not the WWE. I'd rather watch the Disney Channel, and I ABHOR the Disney channel. What I love about the NHL is the toughness of the players. For instance: In the 2nd period of a playoff game, Duncan Keith of the Blackhawks got hit in the mouth with a puck, lost seven teeth , went off to the dressing room, was treated, and was back on the ice for the third period.

Nice smile Dunc. Real nice!

 Mike Milbury, now a commentator, but then, of the Boston Bruins, climbed into the stands in New York and beat a fan over the head with the fan's own shoe. Okay, that's fighting, and in this day and age, he'd probably get kicked out of the league for that, but still. He pulled off the dude's shoe and hit him over the head! Crazy! And just this year, in the playoffs, Bruins defenseman Gregory Campbell was hit in the leg by a slapshot that he dove in front of, (yes, he intentionally got in the way of a 100 mph frozen projectile) breaking his fibula in the process. They must have stopped the game for him so they could bring out an ambulance or something, right? Wrong.

He stayed on the ice, skating on one leg, trying to play defense until the whistle blew, or the puck was cleared down the ice far enough that he could get to the bench and get another player in because he didn't want to let the Penguins score. He was on the ice for another minute. Are basketball players this tough? I don't think so.

1. The games themselves: I could devote an entire post to this segment alone, but I'll try to keep it simple. I'll start with a question. When was the last time an NBA game was decided in the first quarter? Answer: Never. That's my biggest problem with the NBA. The only part of the game that really matters is the last few minutes unless someone gets injured or in foul trouble. As I said earlier, the San Antonio Spurs were up 11-4 early in the game. As I wrote this, the Heat went on to defeat the Spurs and win their 2nd straight championship. Almost none of the early play made a bit of difference. All that mattered is that Miami made more shots in the last few minutes. A big deal was made of the Heat "fans" who left early in the 4th quarter of game 6, missing the great comeback, highlighted by three pointers from LeBron and Ray Allen. Have these people ever watched NBA basketball? If anything, skip the first 3 quarters, not the 4th. In the first three quarters, you could make the greatest play in the history of the game, and what would it count for? 2 or 3 points out of 100 or so that the team scored. Whoop de hoo!! Last night, the Hawks and Bruins, in an amazingly high scoring affair, scored 11 goals combined, nearly matching the 12 goals both teams had scored in the first 3 games put together. But let's stick with those 11 goals. The winning Hawks got 6. Patrick Kane's goal was worth almost 17 percent of their output for the night. Compare that with one of LeBron's 3 pointers which accounted for 3.15 percent of the Heat's total. Therefore, a goal in Hockey is worth over 5 times what a 3 in basketball is worth. And 5 times more exciting, I might add. The thing about Hockey is, even though it is low scoring, a goal can happen at any time. You could say that about hoops too, but you can't say a basket is rare. They happen over and over for 48 minutes, diminishing their value in my opinion. NHL games are like watching an intense movie, but not having any idea about when the climax is coming. It could come within 8 seconds, or 59.9 minutes, or in overtime. You just never know, therefore you have to watch the entire game. And if it goes to overtime, like 3 of the first 4 games of this series have, it's "Next goal wins!" Your team can literally be inches away from heartbreak, and turn around and win it within 30 seconds. If you love sports, that's pretty much the ultimate. Just remember to take your heart meds.

Let's move to time outs. NBA basketball is littered with time outs. Each team gets 7 or 8 a game, unless it goes to overtime, when they get three more. I can't remember the total because it's so many. The last few minutes of a game can take FOR-EV-ER. Hockey coaches also have the chance to take time out. ONCE PER GAME. And if it goes to overtime? No extra time outs. The refs stop the game once, after ten minutes of clock time to fix the ice a bit. No commercials, no stoppage. It's, "GAME ON WAYNE!"

I'm really glad the NBA season is done, for the simple fact that after a couple more days, they will stop talking about it on the radio and on Sportscenter. The NHL is down to its last 2 or 3 games and if the previous 4 were any indication, this series will go down to the last minute of Game 7 with no real clue as to who will take home the Stanley Cup. I can't wait. Game 5 is Saturday, Game 6 is Monday, and if it gets that far, Game 7 on Wednesday. I'll be watching, will you?

PS. Meanwhile, this is me, trying out for one of the many NBA coaching jobs that have recently opened up.

Wish me luck! Mr. Snarky

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Money Well Spent


Precisely 1 minute and 23 seconds. That's the time I just spent to download and install Temple Run 2 on my phone. That time frame also includes powering my phone up, inputting my security code - twice because I screwed up the first try - finding and opening Google play, searching for the game, then choosing to accept and download. 83 seconds in total.

Now, flash back 30 years to 1983. The year I graduated high school. Yes, I'm that old. Let's say you wanted a new game. The best video game console of the time was the Atari 5200, which cost just under 3 hundred dollars. In 2013, that's probably around 5 or 6 hundred dollars. The game cartridges ran anywhere from 40 to 60 dollars each, and they had mind-blowing graphics like this:

Dude, that's awesome! We should play this... like... 10 hours a day!


So, if you were over 16, had a job and a car, it only cost you around 350 dollars (not counting the gas it took to drive to Toys-R-Us) to have this amazing entertainment on your home television, which often was in use by other members of your family. No TVs in every room back then, and if you had a 2nd one, it was small and old and possibly didn't have the required hook ups for such a modern gaming system. In 1983, the federal minimum wage, which is what most teenagers worked for, was 3.35 an hour.  Leaving out taxes and social security payments for convenience (or in other words, laziness) it took 104.47 hours for a minimum wage earning teenager to earn enough to purchase this system and this game. Assuming also that he spent his money on nothing else, if he worked 20 hours per week, then he had to work 5 weeks, plus another 4 1/2 hours to have enough.

Flash forward to now. In the time that was spent then to drive to the store, get customer service to open up the case to get the game for you, stand in the checkout line to purchase, then drive back home, you can now:  download the game, play it enough to find out it's boring, delete it, try two or three other games, check some sports scores, read a blog post, update your status on Facebook, and check out movie listings to see if there's anything you want to go see tonight.

I HATE this song!  Where is my Pandora so I can give it a thumbs down?!

You might ask, "So what's your point?" Well, I'm not trying to say how bad we had it then, because it's not true. It wasn't the good old days like some people like to claim... it just was the way things were. I guess my point is that things change. When my 4 year old grandson can do something in 83 seconds that used to take me 100 plus hours, or 4300 times as long,  I marvel at technology and wonder what change the next 30 years will  bring. Hopefully I'll be around to see it. Oh, and another thing. Let's say that instead of wanting that amazing video game, I was interested in saving up to invest in this company I had heard was going to go public in 1986 called Microsoft. The initial public offering was 21 dollars a share. For my 350 dollars I would have gotten 16.67 shares in the transaction. Those shares, through the magic of stock splits, would now be equivalent to 4800 shares today, worth 27.55 per share at Friday's close. That's 132,240 dollars. A net profit of $131,890!  Not an immense fortune, but a lot more than most of us have in our bank accounts. Instead, I got to throw the Atari game in the trash a few years later. But I'll always have the memories.

From Snarky with love.


Did you enjoy this blog? Like us on our Facebook page here. Thanks in advance! Mr. Snarky.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

His name is Geoffrey Holder...



...and because of him, Mr. Snarky feels kind of inadequate today. No, that's not quite the right word. An underachiever? Getting closer. Let me explain and you'll get the idea. Last night, when Mrs. Snarky went to the store, I asked her to get me some 7up. Not a regular request for me, in fact I don't think I've had one for a few years, but whatever. I was in the mood. When she came back, the old Uncola commercial popped into my head. Some of my readers will be old enough to remember this I think. 


"And they paid me to do this! HA HA HA HA!"

Mr. Snarky has an interesting skill... well, it's interesting to me anyway. I am very good at voice recognition. I shall tell a little story to illustrate. In my 20's, I was often invited to bachelor parties. Sometimes, believe it or not, those parties had strippers. At one such party, my friend and I were sitting in the living room at the apartment it was held in, while the stripper was talking to her escort out of sight in the kitchen. I heard her voice and said to my friend sitting next to me, "That's the same stripper from Jimmy's party two years ago." He told me I was full of it. It couldn't be. When she walked into the living room my friend's jaw dropped. Actually, so did mine because I was amazed at my previously undiscovered skill. Now you may not believe me, or perhaps have determined in your mind that the stripper must have had a distinct voice or speech impediment or something of that nature, but I assure you, it is true, and she had a normal voice with no accent other than the Chicago nasal twang that nearly everyone in the apartment had. I've proven my skill in this many times to Mrs. Snarky who, while slightly impressed by it, does not believe as I do, that one day, this talent will bring me untold riches. I just haven't figured out how it will happen but... IT WILL HAPPEN!!! 

As the Uncola guy's voice went ringing through my head, it quickly occurred to me that this was the same voice as the narrator in...


Long video I know, but skip to around 4:00 and listen to that voice

Obviously the same guy when you hear them one after the other, but remember, the two videos are 30 years apart or so. Being of the Google generation, I had to look it up and prove myself correct, which I was. I then went to his IMDB  page... I'm Geoffrey Holder and look at all the shit I've done. and his Wikipedia entry What have you done in YOUR life? If you don't want to click, here is the start of his Wikipedia page: Geoffrey Richard Holder (born 1 August 1930) is a Trinidadian actorchoreographerdirectordancerpainter,costume designersinger and voice-over artist They forgot to add author to that list. Some of you might be familiar with the man as a contestant on Celebrity apprentice last year, but Mr. Snarky doesn't watch that show. His eyes prefer not to look at Donald Trump, and watching that show would make his goal of never looking at "The Donald" again... impossible/unreachable. Mr. Snarky prefers reachable goals. But Mr. Holder (his middle name is Richard... do you think anyone ever called him Dick Holder? Just wondering) has made Mr. Snarky's simple goals seem... well... just that. Simple. He holds 2 Tony awards, ran his own dance troupe, studied art at the Guggenheim, was a renowned choreographer and has authored 2 books. And what does Mr. Snarky know of him? Yeah... he did a television commercial in the 70's and a voice over for a remake of a Roald Dahl kids book turned movie. Well, what have you done in your life Mr. Snarky, you might ask? Thanks. Yeah. I've written a kids book (not published) a novel (not published) and have been planning a silly little e-book for around a year. I write a blog now and then, I watch Dexter and Supernatural, a lot of sports and play Wii sports ping pong. 

I really hate that Lucia. Bitch beats me every time!

So thanks a lot "Dick Holder." You have made me feel a little worthless today. Also made me feel like I have a ton of work to do and that maybe I should stop screwing around all the time and get to work. Yeah. That's what I'll do. Right after I get done beating Lucia at a game of Ping Pong.

Happy New Year!! 
With Love,
Mr. Snarky

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Excitement is in the air. Can you feel it?




I know I can. While skimming through the TV listings... which now takes around ten minutes to discover there is nothing on as opposed to when I was a kid when it took around two minutes to actually turn on each of the five or six channels we had available... I discovered that tonight, the Miss Universe pageant is on. Now THERE is some amazing television. What?? You aren't watching? You can even watch it in Espanol on telemundo or something like that, only it's called Miss Universo. Those Spanish speakers are so clever with all their code words that nobody understands, don't you think? As usual, I digress. I'm very good at that I think. It's quite possible that I could be the worlds number 1 digresser. Or is it digressor? The spell check on this thing doesn't like either spelling, but it doesn't like Espanol either and I'm sure that's a word. Doesn't matter, I'm using it. I'm not gonna let blogger tell me what's a word and what ain't. Is ain't actually a word? According to this it is, but not according to my 4th grade English teacher. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Digressing. That's right.
My 4th grade English teacher looked nothing like this.

Anyway, the beauty pageant. I know I'm dating myself, which would be really cool if I was a hot blonde, (don't you hate when you think something is funny and then you say it, or in this case type it, and then it's just lame?) but I remember when one of the television events of the year was the Miss America pageant. Just about everyone my age watched it. It ranked right up there with the annual showing of The Wizard of Oz, Charlie Brown Christmas, and the Muscular Dystrophy telethon with Jerry Lewis. (Okay, now I'm REALLY not listening to this spell checker because it doesn't know the word Dystrophy and when I right clicked it, the only suggestion was "Astrophysics." Really?!?) To those of you 25 and under, it must sound like we lived a boring life, but it really was fun to get together with friends once a year to watch the Wizard of Oz. We didn't have VCRs or cable TV, and the kids shows available were on for about half an hour after school 1 day a week (remember the ABC after school specials?) Saturday morning cartoons, or on PBS, Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, and the Electric Company, starring Rita Moreno, the amazing Spider-man and Mr. Morgan Freeman.
I really hope my movie career takes off.
This bites!
Yes, THAT Morgan Freeman. That was just about all the kids programming for the entire week. So when Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was coming on on a night in December, every kid knew, and every kid got to watch, because "it's only once a year" and if you missed it, you were S.O.L.

And so it went with Miss America. It was corny. The speeches about curing hunger and bringing about world peace were lame. But, for two or three hours, every middle aged man in America could watch a bunch of hot young ladies prance around in evening dresses and then in swimsuits, and he was able to act like it really mattered to him if Miss Illinois was going to make it into the top five. This crap was important! Again to you 25 and under folks, as you probably know, we also didn't have internet, Cinemax after hours, or the Victoria's Secret catalogue, among other things. The pageant was about as close to porn as many of the men of my father's generation got for many years... although, I did once find a Playboy in the bottom drawer of a cabinet in my bathroom when I was around 12. I'm guessing my Dad wanted to read the Jimmy Carter interview in it, but I could be mistaken.
Hmm, Jimmy Carter, or Sex in Cinema? What should I read?
Thinking back, my favorite part of Miss America was when they were down to two finalists and they would say that the first runner up would get to take over if the winner was unable to fulfill her duties as Miss America. What an awesome amount of responsibility it must have been for both of them! They would announce the winner and you just knew the first runner up was plotting ways to knock the crown off the winner's head. They would both hug and cry, moms at home would watch and cry over how beautiful the whole thing was and hope that their daughter would one day rise to such heights, and the dads would cry because they had to go back to watching news, or nature shows on PBS. Porn night was over.
I hope my mascara isn't... oh crap. It is.


Maybe it was a little boring, but we didn't know better. Sometimes, boring and naive is okay, don't you think?  Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays from the Snarky Family!
mele kalikimaka!

PS. Sorry Mr. Snarky is such a bad liar. This is only my second post since February 29th. I'm not gonna lie and tell you I'll write more soon, but I hope I get the urge a lot more.

PPS. After last week's awfulness, be sure and tell the ones you love how much they mean to you... and not just for the next few weeks. Do it all the time. It just feels good. I love you guys. Snarky.... OUT.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Idiots are everywhere!


You may have noticed that Mr. Snarky hasn't been around lately.  At least, I hope you've noticed. That is about to change. I could make up a whole bunch of excuses as to why I haven't written anything here in so long, but instead, let me just say that I've been working with Mrs. Snarky on a very exciting project lately. No, we haven't been working on it every spare moment since last February, so I could've been writing here too... I just didn't. I am truly sorry if you've missed the blog and I will do my best to post regularly once again. Enough about that. Let's get to the point, shall we?

And that point is.... IDIOTS ARE EVERYWHERE!!! I hope you've noticed that too. Mr. Snarky really hates politics... especially partisan politics. I choose to try to keep my major political beliefs to myself because I can't stand the back and forth bickering that goes with that. BUT (<--- and that's a very big but) in this election cycle, the idiots are on both sides. Therefore, I am choosing to call out one idiot from each side of the aisle. Call it "fair and balanced" if you will. Also, there is one amazingly stupid player from Major League Baseball who is particularly worthy of our scorn.

So, in no particular order, here are my three idiots of the week:

IDIOT A: Vice President, Joe Biden (Democrat). In Virginia on a campaign stop, Biden addressed a crowd that was of mixed races. There was a fairly high percentage of blacks attending the rally. Joe, truly in rare form, stated that if Romney and Ryan win,  "...they're gonna put y'all back in chains." Really Joe, was that necessary? Why didn't you insult their mothers too? Could you maybe tell some jokes about watermelon and black-eyed peas next time? You know, black people have come a long way, and while I almost understand the point you were trying to make, you really stepped all over some of the constituents who came to hear you speak. It's kind of crazy considering you were chosen for your job by the country's first black president. Do me a favor Joe. Think before you speak, okay?




IDIOT B: Missouri Senatorial candidate, Todd Akin (Republican). When asked if he supported abortions for victims of rape, Akin spouted this jewel: "It seems to me first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Well, Mr. Akin, IT SEEMS TO ME that you don't have a fucking clue about THAT WHOLE THING at all do you? And, to borrow your words a third time, FIRST OF ALL what is a "legitimate rape?" Are you actually telling me that a woman can decide to stop herself from getting pregnant? What if she's drugged, and then raped? Would her subconscious mind stop the egg from being fertilized even if she's knocked out with date rape drug? I don't think so you moron. Women have come a long way, and while I almost understand where you were coming from you really crapped all over an unfortunately high number of your constituents who have been victims of rape. Do me a favor Todd. Think before you speak, okay?


IDIOT C: San Francisco Giant and 2012 MLB All-Star game MVP, Melky Cabrera (Idioticratican). While having the best season of his career, in a "shocking development," Mr. Cabrera tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone and was suspended for 50 games. Enough to call him an idiot? Maybe, maybe not. Is that all? Oh no, that is definitely NOT all. No, Cabrera decided that he was going to get around the system by creating a phony website for a phony supplement that could trigger a false positive for... you guessed it... elevated testosterone. He would then appeal the suspension and act like he was the victim of said supplement. Really Melky? Seriously? Let's just assume for a second that MLB fell for your little ruse. What then? Would you have had to hire chemists to create a supplement that would actually falsely raise your testosterone levels for the test while not actually raising your levels? Well, after that you'd probably have to buy a factory to create the supplement in order to submit it to MLB in order to prove your innocence of the charges. Good luck with that. You should feel lucky that the MLB knows just about every supplement on the market and was quickly wise to you. You sir, are a true moron. Do me a favor Melky. Think before you make up a lie to try to cover up your cheating next time, okay?

..........

One last thing: While I love to have comments to the site, I will ask you to please skip the attacking political type on this column and save those for the political sites. This is not, and will never be, a political forum. There are hundreds of those on the web already. We don't need another.Thanks.

Another last thing: An appropriate movie quote.

Stanley: I bet you're great at chess.
Conrad: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved.

Thanks for reading.
 Love, Mr. Snarky



Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ode to Mrs. Snarky




Well, last time I posted, it was around Valentine's day. As I said at the time, Mrs. Snarky wrote a lovely, wonderful tribute to our love which was all kindsa mushy and stuff. In just a few hours, we will begin celebrating our 8th year of marriage. As you may have gathered by reading our posts, we are a bit on the goofy side. We decided it would be a good idea to get married on "Leap day", not in order to only have to celebrate our anniversary every four years, but so that every 4 years we would have an extra special day. You see, we still celebrate on non-leap years, we just get to choose whether it is March 1st or February 28th. Then, when there is a February 29th, we do something a little more special. We kind of like it. So Happy 2nd anniversary Mrs. Snarky. I love you!

Now, I don't mush exactly the same way she does. Usually, it takes me a having a couple of beers to really let out my emotions. I don't drink often, but when I do, I get all happy-squishy-gooey-mushy. It's kind of gross actually. Mrs. S. loves on me all the time. I LOVE her all the time, I'm just not as good at showing it as her. Typical male, right? Anyway, this is my attempt at being sweet and snarky at the same time. I hope it's not too disgusting.

This one's for you honey-bunny/love-muffin/sugar-sweetie-poops.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

One-one thousand!
Two-one thousand!!
Three-one thousand!!!

Hmmm, that one's already been done before. How about this?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
...

Nahhh. That's not me either. Okay, this one is from the heart. Truly.


To my lover, my wife and best friend:

One fine day
now eight years ago,
you gave me your hand
and the man called me YO.

I said my name's John
now please marry us
'twas done in our front room
with nary a fuss.

We went on with our lives
as if nothing had changed
for we both knew the other
was a little deranged.

We've gone through rough times
as the money got tight
but we pushed our way through
with hardly a fight.

Through good times and bad
through the ups and the downs
we've laughed all the way
like a couple of clowns.

Now your days are all filled
watching our grandchildren's shows
Oomi Zoomi and Dora
and that really blows.

But you've managed to show them
how much they are loved
like a g'amma from heaven
sent down from above.

and you gave me the thing
I was longing to take
you gave me your heart
which I never shall break.

I know that forever
for the rest of my life
I'm the luckiest man
with the most bestest wife.

Thank you for being mine. I'm very happily yours.


And thanks to all who read this. I'll try to get back to Snarkiness next time. I promise. Love to all!

Mr. Snarky.